Precious Moments

Tonight was an odd night. It started out with all of these plans of going to see a friend's (?) gallery showing in Brooklyn and then going to a dance party in Brooklyn and having the most ridiculous night yet across two boroughs. We went to the gallery (don't let Gossip Girl fool you, Williamsburg is not that nice.) but we didn't go to the dance party, and we didn't act like idiots. We did drink but for the first time I felt like we all acted like adults. And maybe it was because certain people went certain places to act like idiots (and I realize anyone reading this has no idea who those people are) but it was one of the most perfect nights. 

It's weird to go to a school like this because it's so huge and there are so many stories and so many different perspectives, that sometimes you absolutely have to be honest about everything. Tonight was one of those "let's get into a deep discussion about life and how we ended up where we ended up" nights. It really made me realize that I've somehow become incredibly close friends with some of the most interesting people I have ever met. Which to me is odd because I have always considered myself extremely ordinary. It was refreshing to hear everyone talk honestly about their past and the people who populated it. It was nice to escape from the pretense of "We live in New York City. We are Young. We are Young and we live in New York City," because honestly, even though I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, there's only so much of that I can take. I can only talk about being interesting and different so much. To actually hear everyone be interesting and different, especially now, was the perfect change of pace.

To hear about the lives that everyone has carved out for themselves, how everyone thinks of how everyone thinks about them was one of the most (and I realize this is cliche but whatever) life-changing experiences. Finally shifting from thinking everyone being in the same boat was vital. We're not in the same boat, but we are all riding the same tide. I love that everyone I consider a friend is kind of a mess. I'm kind of a mess. A lot of me hopes that you guys are all kind of messes. I don't think it's appropriate to be 18 and have everything figured out. I wouldn't want to live like that, and I wouldn't want anyone to live like that. No matter how much you try to force something, it's never going to be "perfect." Apply that to whatever you like. I know I have more than a few things that can fall under that umbrella. 

It's only like 2:30 which is an early night but tonight started at 6:30 which is even earlier. I'm looking out of my window, past the obvious, anonymous church on Broadway, past the water towers on Fifth Avenue to some of the densest fog I have ever seen. All of the lights that can be seen from room 1304S-C so clearly have gone pretty much dark in this haze that has settle over Manhattan. Looking up from the streets of the West Village earlier tonight, the lights at the top of the Empire State Building, the brightest in the city, formed one white haze. "It's OK. No one's watching." It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. 

I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe I just don't want moments like these to ever go away. I think that it's the nights like I just had that really shape who you are as a person. I've always thought that I've been a composite of the people I know and the experiences we've shared together. Just through talking tonight, underneath sheets that we set up as a fort in someone's room (replete with enough alcohol to make any night interesting), the composite that I am has changed. And for that, I am the most grateful. If I kept being who I was being back when I still went to that all-boys Catholic high school, I don't know if I would have been happy with myself. I like being that work in progress, because at least I know I'm moving forward.