What a Day That Was

That's a reference to the Talking Heads song. Yesterday was a day filled with nothing and everything. One part Id A, one part Produce Pete, one part Fraulein Schmelter, stir with fun and you have a recipe for awesome. I'll begin at the beginning.

I txt mssg Produce Pete looking for some nummlies to put in my belly, half hour later we're at Juice It Up juicin' it up. My melon madness was not made properly, and I learned mangos are disgrossting (I didn't come up with that, unfortunately). We make our way to Chipotle (of course) we munch on burritos and Produce Pete gets a salad. With beans on it.

After our "Burrito Loading Zones" (BLZs) were full, I mention I'm bored. Naturally we go to Fun Zone. Naturally, it does not live up to its name. Fun Zone is really only fun when you're seven and not filled with ennui like I am. Everything was gross, and shockingly expensive (for us). We play skeeball, it doesn't go so well for me as it does for ProPe. I think we agree that we're a little to old/not old enough to be at Fun Zone, so we make our way to Dave and Busters. It is somewhat grosser here. People should really wash their hands. What does "cholo" mean in Spanish, beeteedubs.

Next stop, Borders. But really the sex section at Borders. But really, the Gay and Lesbian Living section of Borders. But really the floor of the Gay and Lesbian Living section of Borders. There are some books, but more laffz. We find an appropriate gift for Anne Frank (there must be some absurd Jewliday coming up, no?) but I'm not going to say what it is because then I would be giving it away. I decide I can write an entire book of "sexy" coupons in about half an hour. I noticed that the coupons for him WAY outnumber the coupons for her. I'm dissappointed because you know what ladies, maybe we want to give you a sexy shower. We move onto our next phase. Driving around for a bit.

During this drive I bring up the dinner question, even though we like just ate. "How about Hooters?" How about Hooters, guys! Wesley Snipes takes us to Fraulein Scmelter's house. We go WAY out of the way to go to Hooters but we eventually find the least sexy place on earth. It is also the dirtiest, and keep in mind, ProPe and I had been in a LOT of dirty places that day. Just to give you an idea of our dining experience: Fraulein Schmelter ordered the Cobb salad (without those gross tomatoes -- Ilyse , our waitress felt very strongly about those tomatoes). I'm pretty sure this "salad" had just as much grease and fat as the TERRIBLE wings the two men got. Like, there were families and old people there. And there was an extra seat at our table which Ilyse decided she was going to sit in everytime she came to our table. This is the Ilyse who saw ProPe and I walk out of the bathroom and basically shouted "THAT'S WHAT GIRLS DO! Care to share your gossip with the peanut gallery?" Me: "No. It's private." That shut her up. But no, she was a sweet heart and maybe drunk. I was gonna get dessert but thankfully didn't. Hooters was much more expensive than I thought it would be. An expensive price that was rounded by a heart drawn in green crayon. Less than three Ilyse, less than three.

We go to Coldstone next. We eat. We talk about the contest, which is over (there'll be a different post, don't worry) I take the SPOILER ALERT biggest shit I have ever taken in a public bathroom. I swear off Chipotle for the next two (2) days. Off to the bowling alley!

Oh, wait, there's no lanes till 9:30? We'll be back.

ID A MYSTERY TOUR OF WONDER AND EXCITEMENT!!!!!!11!!1!!!!!1!1!! This pretty much involves me showing Fraulein Schmelter and ProPe the most mundane places I have ever been ever. Just to give you and idea: "There's the 7-11 I sometimes get my coffee from!" "This is the exit you would take if you wanted to go to my old orthodontist!"I regret not having shown them my elementary school, doctor's office, that KFC I went to once.

The clock STRIKES 9:30 (that's a bowling joke.) We ask to bowl with no lights. And music. Our demands aren't met until one half of one hour into our bowlingfest. I perform horribly and decide to act out like an 8 year old (really pissed when its in the gutter, really happy rarely). I also work on my bowling poses. Those I do well at. Apparently, ProPe had this undiscovered bowling talent that he had been keeping from EVERYONE FOREVER. Fraulein Schmelter still wins 2/3 games, but overall ProPe wins, I shockingly come in third despite being the first person to break 100 (had to throw that in there) Also, I don't give a shit about the fucking lunar eclipse woman smoking cigarette outside bowling alley, gosh!

Funfun.

Voyages into the Unknown

Since nothing is private, I cleaned out my drawers and closet and living quarters today and here is what I found:
A lot of floss.
Untold amounts of buttons
A cartoon I did sophomore year of someone in my biology class murdering me
Three Discmans (Discmen?)!
Some really powerful Certs that must have been in my sock drawer since 2003
About 12 Chapsticks
Relatively few socks
Two toothbrushes, both still in the packaging
A toy that would be fun for children in the 1700s
Two ID necklaces from my non-job (oh boy)
Enough pens and pencils to open my own Office Max (not a Staples, though.)
My cell phone charger from two years ago
Five HSFA shirts (three of which were the exact same)
GameBoy Color
Anything from any college ever/ all the mail I have ever received.
Three unused notebooks
Empty boxes of Oreos, Good & Plenty, Twizzlers and Soft Baked Cookies
A condom wrapper*
A check for $75
A lot of old technology
So many SAT vocab cards my head exploded
Those beer cans from Brother A (again)
Clothes from American Eagle I haven’t worn since eighth grade
An unopened soldering iron that I bought for the art project that never was (with receipt!)
Crime and Punishment (with receipt!)

*I share a room with my brother. I knew it wasn't mine, like, obviously. This was HORRIFYING.

Entertainment? Entertainment!

Because, of this contest I find I have a lot of time on my hands. Which seems odd. But I was going to make a list of my hundred favorite songs, numbered and everything. I abandoned the number system because I thought it would be too hard. Anyway, here's the list. There are actually 108 songs. Are some of my favorite songs your favorite songs? Are we buddlies? Also, I realize no one is going to read the whole list, so allow me to sum it up for you: totally awesome.

“The Leanover” Life Without Buildings
“Paper Planes” M.I.A.
“Rhineland (Heartland)” Beirut
“Someone Great” LCD Soundsystem
“138th Street” The Walkmen
“Blue Monday” New Order
“Wolf Like Me” TV on the Radio
“Age of Consent” New Order
“Ceremony” New Order
“Ceremony” Galaxie 500
“Blue Thunder” Galaxie 500
“Holland, 1945” Neutral Milk Hotel
“Pogo” Digitalism
“Two Headed Boy, Part Two” Neutral Milk Hotel
“Let the Devil In” TV on the Radio
“In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” Neutral Milk Hotel
“D.A.N.C.E” Justice
“Needy Girl” Chromeo
“Black Mags” Cool Kids
“24 Track Loop” This Heat
“We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off” Jermaine Jackson
“Let’s Make Love and Listen to Death from Above” Cansei de Ser Sexxxy
“Kool Thing” Sonic Youth
“Umbrella” Rihanna (shut up)
"Good Life" Kanye (when you listen to as much radio as I do)
“Incinerate” Sonic Youth
“A Method” TV on the Radio
“There There” Radiohead
“Teenage Riot” Sonic Youth
“All Apologies” Nirvana
“Shout” Tears for Fears
“I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You” Black Kids
“What a Day That Was” Talking Heads
“Peach, Plum, Pear” Joanna Newsom
“Fake Plastic Trees” Radiohead
“I Will Always Love You” Dolly Parton (shut up)
“Elephant Gun” Beirut
“The Past Is a Grotesque Animal” Of Montreal
“Heart and Soul” Joy Division
“Bulldog Front” Fugazi
“Technologic” Daft Punk
“Little Red Corvette” Prince
“Crumble” Dinosaur Jr.
“The Fall of Saigon” This Heat
“Staring at the Sun” TV on the Radio
“Monkey and Bear” Joanna Newsom
“That’s When I Reached for My Revolver” Mission of Burma
“Avril 14th” Aphex Twin
“Make Love” Daft Punk
“High Life” Daft Punk
“Faust Arp” Radiohead
“Face to Face” Daft Punk
“Postcards from Italy” Beirut
“Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” Daft Punk
“Keep the Car Running” Arcade Fire
"Tonight I Have to Leave it" Shout Out Louds
“Suffer for Fashion” Of Montreal
“All My Friends” LCD Soundsystem
“I’m Only Sleeping” The Beatles
“Hey” Pixies
“Just Can’t Get Enough” Depeche Mode
“Let Down” Radiohead
“You Can Have It All” Yo La Tengo
“Angst in My Pants” Sparks
“Feel the Pain” Dinosaur Jr.
“Sit Down. Stand Up” Radiohead
“I Was a Lover” TV on the Radio
“How Soon is Now?” The Smiths
“Perfect Day” Lou Reed
“The Only Mistake” Joy Division
“Playhouses” TV on the Radio
“Father and Son” Cat Stevens
“The Blower’s Daughter” Damien Rice
“New York Minute” Don Henley
“On and On” Film School
“Outside the Trains Don’t Run on Time” Gang of Four
“Take You on a Cruise” Interpol
“The Wrong Way” TV on the Radio
“Let’s Get Out” Life Without Buildings
“Street Hassle” Lou Reed
“War” Chikita Violenta
“XR2” M.I.A.
“99 Luftballoons” Nena
“Oh Comely” Neutral Milk Hotel
“Drain You” Nirvana
“She’s a Rejecter” Of Montreal
“Echoes” Pink Floyd
“Dirty Boots” Sonic Youth
“Dogs” Pink Floyd
“Something Must Break” Joy Division
“Hours (El-P Remix)” TV on the Radio
“Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” The Smiths
“The Holiday Song” Pixies
“Don’t Love You” TV on the Radio
“Come Around” M.I.A.
“Where is My Mind?” Pixies
“A Wolf at the Door” Radiohead
“Kissability” Sonic Youth
“Perfect Day” Lou Reed
“Videotape” Radiohead
“Blues from Down Here” TV on the Radio
“Gronlandic Edit” Of Montreal
“Newjack” Justice
“Climbing Up the Walls” Radiohead
“Back to the Old House” The Smiths
“Dirty Boots” Sonic Youth
“Superstar” Lupe Fiasco
“The Wrong Way” TV on the Radio

Penis Meditation

I was talking to fellow contest member/regular blog character Uday Pulaski that I think all four participants are just going to achieve Nirvana and become Light Beings after some cataclysmic event where the earth with shake and the wind will make some loud "rooosh" noise and we will turn into light.

Also, I feel like this contest is going to ruin my penis forever or cause me to never masturbate EVER again. Both would be bad. Truth be told, I enjoyed masturbating and I do not think there's anything wrong with that. It is kind of sad though. Maybe there is something wrong with that. But what's more important? A moment of happiness or a really cool jacket?

Day 14 (almost)

(Interesting fact: "[my real name] tight pussy" yields 249 results on Google, while "[my real name] monster cock" yields 283. Who wins? ME.)

Things I Do Instead of Math

Possible Bands for Id A that I am in with people I know. Some ch-ch-ch-chill people.:
(Those two sentences were so me I could die)

Vietnam Death Camp (electro)
Mostly Cloudy (emo)
[REDACTED] and the Clouds (doo-wop)
Wide Right Turns (TBD. I'm thinking Grateful Dead-y.)
Din Din Time for [REDACTED] (A different kind of [Redacted]. Also, to me this band would be sort Dinosaur Jr.-y. I have way with adjectives, in case you can't tell. Also, Adjectives was the book I was gonna write in the seventh grade [I made up the title, nothing else, wait no, the cover] COPYRIGHT ID A THIS BLOG 12 FEBRUARY 2008)

There have been others. I hate math and that's why I gave birth to this post.

"Hammered Montana"

Her CD was on the table, as well as a few stickers. The usual crowd was drunk (save for Fraulien Schmelter who still remains "Best Person Ever"). It was the best of both worlds even though Bass Enterprises didn't do a reunion show. I did dance the Id A dance though, and it was captured on camera.

Produce Pete's basement this time, for the second time. Which meant the Produce Pete's brother was also there. The Schmelter did not get his face drawn on this time though. There were two other significant changes: everyone got really drunk really quickly, and Anne Frank is including in that everyone. She is a really sloppy drunk and that's coming from someone who is a sloppy drunk. Just to give you a (really cute/adorable/sexxxy mental image) I passed out on Uday Pulaski's shoulder. And would not be woken up from that point after.

See, the problem with getting drunk is waking up the next morning. For me, this meant no pants (I took them off sometime in the middle of the night {?}, but left everything else on, including my jacket) and being crumpled onto the largest chair/smallest couch ever. Also, Shadow (not a nom de blog) woke me up with her loud pussy-licking.

Also, like cleaning up is not fun. Vom (SCHMELTER!) is not fun. Sticky icklies are not fun. But, BEING drunk is fun. Especially if you are us. Only us. (Not you Frenemy as evidenced by your Facebook picture. Don't you know that FNBS has a copyright on horizontal stripes? WE ARE GOING TO SUE YOUR ASS INTO LAST WEEK.)

So, to recap, some YAYS!: Beer! Dancing! Hannah Montana! Pretzel Sticks? Bros! and S'n'B! Hurricane Sicki!

Some boos: Vom, Odd furniture, Hangovers, No Pants, Mixing, Too Much Too Soon

Let's take all of these as life lessons.

Dry Dreams

Last night, I had a dream about masturbating. I didn't do it though.
This was after I explained to Anne Frank why boys masturbate so much. She just didn't get it, but neither do I. Why do we masturbate (notice how I'm not saying "jackin' it," let's have some maturity, please) so much? Does it make us happy or addicts?

DAY THREE.

(MINT CHIP) CHAOS

I'm way behind on this but whatevskies. Last weekend saw an Owns Me retreat. In the woods. With a bunch of other people from Owns Me and other godforsaken terrible people. There were some not terrible people present: me, V.I. Melanin, Art Vandal Ay, Uday Pulaski, Swaship and little scamp Salvador. This retreat started on Saturday afternoon and didn't end till Monday at three o'clock, I know thats really only 48 hours, but it felt more like 48 years. There were some highs, some lows.

Some Highs:
I reinvented both sleeping and drawing on the (school) bus ride up there.
Guess which four people roomed together and only really spoke to each other the whole time.
V.I. is really good at being an asshole and getting away with it. But you don't even know if hes truly being an asshole because he sounds so sincere; he's THAT good.
Graham Cracker Ice Cream (YES!) Mint Chip Chaos (YESSER!)
Ice is made out of sticks.
Wi-fi works for some.
Some fun pictures were taken in the woods during our forty-five minutes of free time. Yep, just the forty-five. These pictures will make their way onto Facebook eventually.
Being cliquey.
Mock cocaine.
Then we left. That was perhaps the best.

Some Lows:
"Pushing 7." That kind of speaks for itself, considering who said it and he will not be mentioned.
There was this really skinny Catholic Woody Allen, a skinny dirty ratboy, a dark person, a fat person, an extremely weird person.
Wi-fi works for some.
The pubic hair that didn't belong to me.
Other people's foodplates.
Team building exercises followed by a debate about gay marriage that somehow started off with Dorothy Day.
Being there, in general.

Pooper Bowl tomorrow. And then the day after that a bunch of terrible people will complain about how we should have school.

Also, DAY TWO.

Dry Spell

The members of FNBS minus V.I. Melanin (for reasons known to us but by no means weird or medical), Id A, Uday Pulaski, Produce Pete, and the Schmelter [Get Well Soon, btdubs] are hereby involved in an abstinance-off. NO MASTURBATING. I know I said earlier sometime that I would post on this weblog about masturbating, so here you go.

Now, all I want to do is jack it.*

We're not sure what is won, but there will be a winner. February 1, DAY ONE.

*This is a half-lie, ALL I ever want to do is jack it.