How I spent my rosh hashanah vacation...

So here’s my deal. I’m home for the weekend and it made me miss you guys even more. I was lucky and I did get to see Pinky Tuscadero and Zideburnz and Girlkol and Queen Kullen (QK) but, I don’t know, you guys know that feeling where you are grateful for what you have but still wish you had more. It really does kill me that I don’t talk to each one of you every single day. I know we all have thousands of things to do all the time, at least I know I do, but I always find time in the day to think about how I miss you all. Yep, it’s lame. But whatever. It scares me that we are all changing. I just hope our relationships with each other don’t change. I hope that those basement hang outs don’t get old and become unappealing because I’m scared they will be too simple. I’m a different person now too. I’ve come to learn that I can keep myself happy and I can rely on myself. And I think I might have matured a bit? I don’t know how I feel about that yet. Also I’m going through a complete body makeover as well, its this experiment I like to call the “would you be my friend if I came back morbidly obese?” game. I actually enjoy going to class which is weird for me. I spend a lot of time in libraries or outside in the sun… which is also weird for me. I plan on doing so many things at school and I have a lot of things I want to accomplish; but, at the same time I can’t seem to figure out what the hell I’m gonna do with my life as a whole. I admire those people who know what they want and know how they are going to get there. I’ve met a bunch of people but no one that I see becoming a lifelong friend. I’m pretty sure it will take more than a month to figure that out, but as of now that’s how I see it. I also realized how much I do miss my family. It’s very nice to be home and to see them and hear my brothers’ ever deepening voices. The problem is that I have too much time to think about stupid shit and worry. I don’t know how I have much time because I’m always doing something. I find myself completely distracted thinking I wonder what ProP is up to or I wonder how IdA’s weekend was. All these thoughts are very jumbled. And I’m not as unfortunate as I sound. Life is actually pretty good. It’s nice to be able to really know that you can do things for yourself and that I’m gonna actually be able to make it through the year without a breakdown. I mean I may have a heart attack from all the faacking pizza I’ve been consuming, but I won’t have an emotional breakdown wanting to see my mommy. College. It’s crazy. Life. It’s crazy. College life. It’s crazy. Let’s have a hipster party over Thanksgiving break. Kay byez.

XOXO-Frau

Well...

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but bear with me. I didn't sleep at all last night. Like not a wink. I woke up for my 9:30 class at 9:18. "Shit." I took the fastest shower of my life, and ran two blocks down and like eight flights of stairs up. I still looked really good today. I like really need to do work right now, but I know I won't get to it. I look forward to also catching up on a massive amount of work this weekend and the weekend following. (Side note: Whenever I'm working (studio or otherwise), I'm just thinking about going out. Whenever I'm out, all I can do is think about work. Like, we talk shop so much.)

It was really great to talk to everybody last night. It was kind of like a basement hangout except there was a window like right in front of me. Basements, no windows. Anyway, in addition to last night being great, it also made me kind of sad. Like for as awesome as it was, it just made me miss everything so much more. But really this started when Frau sent out the 98584 (three) text messages detailing times and other et cetera. 

Like all I do pretty much all day is think about everything going on in my head, analyzing and reanalyzing and repeat, and go on Facebook. This is a really shitty combination. Of my four closest friends, one talks about how much she misses her boyfriend even though they text each other and video chat with each other constantly (he's still in high school and they've been dating for three months) two have a boyfriend or girlfriend at Columbia. I see these two people more often than I see a lot of the people in my (very small) program. The last has seen her parents every weekend. It's a dynamic that's fun and interesting, but like, it's weird to feel like everyone else has this other person and you don't. It sucks, actually. And last night just made me realize that even more. I like didn't talk today. Not in critique/class. Not at lunch or dinner. I went to yoga by myself. (I've started a complete body make over. I hope it will be worthwhile by next summer). I didn't feel like hanging out tonight, so I just came home and watched The Office with the two of the three roommates I'm friends with (the fourth is a whole other story) and then when they went out, I just responded "Oh. No. I think I'm gonna do work. But thanks anyway." I feel bad when they invite me places and I don't go. Even if I already have plans, but especially when I don't.

I don't get "home"sick. At first I thought this was a bad thing. Then I realized that I like my new bed more than my old one. I don't have pets. I've been an only child for a long time now. I talk to my parents sometimes. (I'm not a talking on the phone person. I wish one of them knew how to text. I'm starting to find it kind of excruciating. I've actually stopped making calls to them and I don't pick up when I see "Home" in the Caller ID. I'll just let it ring and get back to them (her) the same day and say I was busy. I feel like this is a bad thing, but whatever, it's my own issue and kind of a complicated one.) I had brunch with them once. It was good. I was more excited to eat in a restaurant than anything else. I'm going home next Saturday for my mom's birthday. Great. I'm SUPER excited.

I don't get "home"sick. I get "friend"sick. That's why last night, at the end. I was kinda down in the dumps by myself. And like I didn't really have (or at least felt like I had) an arena to vent today. UGH. "Brothergeorgemymomdied" just IMed me. I am not THAT "friend"sick. Again, like I don't really know where I'm going with this, but nothing new has been posted here since I last wrote here on September 1st. I'm a different person now. I think (or at least I hope) that you all are too. Not radically different, not by any measure, but certainly not the same person who was on the beach that night. And the Anne Frank's  basement that night. And the Massapequa Park train station that night. Or Frau's living room that night. Or any day right after each of those nights. 

Some days here really suck. There's nothing I can do about that. Some days here are the best. There's nothing I want to about that. I love/hate being constantly busy. Or at least feeling constantly busy. I love/hate many things about where I go to school/live and what my major is.

Sorry if this was depressing emo bullshit. Because that's what it sounds like to me. I was gonn write more, but I'm not.

Here

I have class tomorrow for the first time since late April. For the past week, I've been living in this dream world where time doesn't exist and the word "no" is almost entirely absent. Except for when it comes to drinking in large groups. I really dodged a bullet on that one, which like how embarrassing would it have been to be written up for drinking during Welcome Week. A week which at times has been Welcome Weak. (Group [they'll get nicknames later, I guess] and I didn't go to any activities really. A wise woman told me you meet the best people when you skip things.) 

The walls of my apartment? dorm? (but it has a kitchen, granted, a small one) are stark white. Very institutional. Except for the pictures I finally got around to putting up today which made me miss just the senior year of high school and you guys so much. I don't really feel like a college student yet. I guess that'll change once Tuesday is over (Class pretty much from 9:30-6:30) I have a great roommate as far as roommates are concerned. I have one good suitemate. An OK suitemate. And one who maybe moved in earlier today. It's noisy outside all the time and I live on the 13th floor with the windows closed. It's also bright all the time. My view is excellent. I live 45 minutes from home. I miss it a lot but I promised myself I wouldn't see my parents for at least a month. I have the luxury of making that decision instead of circumstances making it for me. I wish my mom knew how to text. I wish my dad wasn't so sad sounding when I speak to him. I was kind of surprised how emotional he got. And I realize you guys haven't really met my dad at all. 

I spend most of my time with the same four people. Practically all day. We do a lot of walking. A lot. It's been a week and I think these people are going to stick. Three of them are in serious relationships. Meeting people at a school like this in a frame like Welcome Week is kind of convoluted. And everyone knows that. I've had the same Where are you from? What's your major? Where do you live? conversation about 100 times. That's no exaggeration. I've started to answer it in one word like this: longislandstudioartthirdnorth. That just makes me all the more glad I have those four friends. Part of me really hopes people not from around here will stop thinking Times Square is a cool place to hang out. That bothers me.

I've never gotten so much exercise in my life. I went to the gym earlier in the week. I went to yoga the past two days for about three hours. I walk everywhere and everywhere is a lot of places. I have the blisters to prove it.

There are A LOT of white people here. The most white people I've ever seen all gathered together. I was kinda surprised by that. Considering NYU. Whites are followed by Asians with cool clothes, Asians who don't have cool clothes, people from the Mideast, Hispanics and then anyone else. There are a crazy amount of wannabe hipster kids who try very hard to have everyone not like them. Almost everyone shops at three stores: American Apparel, Urban Outfitters (you say you hate these two stores, but it's just so convenient to shop there [and here it really is]) and vintage/thrift stores. I got a cool shirt and an awesome pair of shoes for thirty bucks total. And if you thought I had an eating problem, come to any place that has a purple and white flag hanging above it. Everyone pretty much sticks to their race. For serious. We were all just talking about it. I could write so much about the type of people here already. Socializing here is kinda awkward because unlike other schools, we don't have frat scene. There's no real organization. You either hear about things happening or you start your own small party and then meet up in someone's dorm and try not to be loud. Drinking in public out of brown bags/off campus is just better.  No one's offered me coke yet. I've seen some famous people. Last night I was at the same "party" with Chris Matthews's son. It was at my relatively new friend's boyfriend's (my even more new friend) parent's apartment on the Upper East Side. When I was there, I thought immediately, "Well here's something I never would've done if handed the opportunity a little more than a year ago." Funny how people change.

I miss all of you so much. Living in this city just reminds me how close I am to home but also how far. Sometimes I'll think that we should all just get an apartment together and live here and work odd jobs and it will be awesome. But then I remember that it's impossible to get odd jobs. Every waitress/waiter is a model/actor. This is the East and West Village's service sector: incredibly good looking people begging for money. But then you go outside the restaurant to see someone actually begging for money. It kind of breaks my heart. It's only been a week and I'm exhausted. 

You guys should all transfer here. I think you'll all like it. A lot. I miss you all terribly but now at least every time I look over my computer screen I can see your faces. Love you all. I can't wait for Thanksgiving or whenever we all see each other again.