It was really great to talk to everybody last night. It was kind of like a basement hangout except there was a window like right in front of me. Basements, no windows. Anyway, in addition to last night being great, it also made me kind of sad. Like for as awesome as it was, it just made me miss everything so much more. But really this started when Frau sent out the 98584 (three) text messages detailing times and other et cetera.
Like all I do pretty much all day is think about everything going on in my head, analyzing and reanalyzing and repeat, and go on Facebook. This is a really shitty combination. Of my four closest friends, one talks about how much she misses her boyfriend even though they text each other and video chat with each other constantly (he's still in high school and they've been dating for three months) two have a boyfriend or girlfriend at Columbia. I see these two people more often than I see a lot of the people in my (very small) program. The last has seen her parents every weekend. It's a dynamic that's fun and interesting, but like, it's weird to feel like everyone else has this other person and you don't. It sucks, actually. And last night just made me realize that even more. I like didn't talk today. Not in critique/class. Not at lunch or dinner. I went to yoga by myself. (I've started a complete body make over. I hope it will be worthwhile by next summer). I didn't feel like hanging out tonight, so I just came home and watched The Office with the two of the three roommates I'm friends with (the fourth is a whole other story) and then when they went out, I just responded "Oh. No. I think I'm gonna do work. But thanks anyway." I feel bad when they invite me places and I don't go. Even if I already have plans, but especially when I don't.
I don't get "home"sick. At first I thought this was a bad thing. Then I realized that I like my new bed more than my old one. I don't have pets. I've been an only child for a long time now. I talk to my parents sometimes. (I'm not a talking on the phone person. I wish one of them knew how to text. I'm starting to find it kind of excruciating. I've actually stopped making calls to them and I don't pick up when I see "Home" in the Caller ID. I'll just let it ring and get back to them (her) the same day and say I was busy. I feel like this is a bad thing, but whatever, it's my own issue and kind of a complicated one.) I had brunch with them once. It was good. I was more excited to eat in a restaurant than anything else. I'm going home next Saturday for my mom's birthday. Great. I'm SUPER excited.
I don't get "home"sick. I get "friend"sick. That's why last night, at the end. I was kinda down in the dumps by myself. And like I didn't really have (or at least felt like I had) an arena to vent today. UGH. "Brothergeorgemymomdied" just IMed me. I am not THAT "friend"sick. Again, like I don't really know where I'm going with this, but nothing new has been posted here since I last wrote here on September 1st. I'm a different person now. I think (or at least I hope) that you all are too. Not radically different, not by any measure, but certainly not the same person who was on the beach that night. And the Anne Frank's basement that night. And the Massapequa Park train station that night. Or Frau's living room that night. Or any day right after each of those nights.
Some days here really suck. There's nothing I can do about that. Some days here are the best. There's nothing I want to about that. I love/hate being constantly busy. Or at least feeling constantly busy. I love/hate many things about where I go to school/live and what my major is.
Sorry if this was depressing emo bullshit. Because that's what it sounds like to me. I was gonn write more, but I'm not.
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