S-H-U-T-D-O-W-N

[Uday Pulaski pulls a sticker off of a water bottle]

Uday Pulaski: I love sticky things.
Produce Pete: I don't. Actually, I HATE them.
Id A: That's a lie.
Produce Pete: Well. there is ONE thing.
Id A: Really, is it my cum-covered penis?
Produce Pete: Actually, maple syrup.
Uday Pulaski: [...]
Produce Pete: [...]
Id A: [...]

GREAT NIGHT! Made even better by Cuban Jesus.

Desperate Youth, Not-So-Thirsty Babes

Previously: A quarter-Jew (quarter as in 1/4. not money, YOU BIGOT) was named Mort Zuckerman.

Id A: Did you read the thing about old people?
Mort Zuckerman: Yeah, when am I gonna be in it?
Id A: When we have a conversation witty enough.
Mort Zuckerman: I'm too drunk.
Id A: Also, I realized there's already someone called Mort Zuckerman, so your name's been changed to The Rabbi.
The Rabbi: YAY!
Id A: This is getting posted.
The Rabbi: You're a posted.

That was The Rabbi, and that's pretty much how he is all the time. Really.

Binoculars? BINOCULARS!?

Id A had a very bizarre dream last night. One that I think trumps the "driving-my-pillow-(like a boogie board)-getting-pulled-over-for-speeding" dream.

I am with Sister A and we are seeing a documentary about Brazil (?). I say "I hope the say thing that happened to South America happens to Africa. Y'know, so people will want to go there." Sister A: "That would be really good for the future." I have to go to the bathroom, only it's one GIANT room with separate stalls for different genders. Inside the stalls is all the regular shit-- it is, being a movie theatre bathroom, kind of dirty-- except for a switch that makes the glass door go opaque. Anyway, I'm pissing (standing up, THANK YOU) and hear this noise but ignore because I have to REALLY pee. I zip up and there's this lady in safari gear with binoculars examining the toilet paper dispenser IN THE STALL WITH ME. I turn around really fast and scream "Wha! Wha? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE YOU PSYCHO BITCH!" She looks at her super-tall husband (who isn't in the stall but looking over the wall because HE IS JUST THAT TALL) and she says in a Fargo-accent "Uh-oh. He spotted me." all calm-like. I rush out of the stall.

Everything is spinning and blurry at this point and there is a rather large African-American gentleman who says in a really deep voice "Shit, you all right?" I start banging into the walls and shit like that and finally I put my head down at the sink and start laughing/crying "She was--- she was--- she was in the stall when I was PEEING!"

BOOM! Dream Ends. Was it the cause of all this fracas?

Hearing Aids. Orthopedic Shoes. Floppity Genitalia.

So today, I saw this show called "Mad Men" and it has all these really sexy people and they all are in sexy '60s close and they are young sexy and have sex a lot. I know this show is fictional and all, but I couldn't help but think "Wow these people would be really old now. Like they're vaginas would be all cob-webby and there penises (first time I've actually typed that word and I REALLY wasn't sure how many -es's there should be) would be all wrinkly and just gray pubes galore."

But then I thought, "Like even the actors playing their kids would be old enough to be all saggy and disgusting and old."

And then I realized that I really FUCKING HATE ALL OLD PEOPLE (except for my grandma and grandpa -- they give me money!). It's not because I see them as a drain on society, because doesn't everybody?, but it's because they act so entitled. And it's not just because I HATE when people pay for cantaloupes or some easily chewed fruit with coupons but it's because I am busy. I am too busy to hear about "the war" or how things are so much more expensive and seriously that cantaloupe is like 87 cents, can't you just pay in cash -- ney, change?

But above old people I really hate it when pretty much old people talk about how old they are. Again, I am busy and you're deteriorating vision/back/general physical health is of no interest to me.

In closing, old(ish) people = FUCKING TERRIBLE.

Dr. Shill

Since when did doctors become TERRIBLE high school guidance counselors? Seriously, I'm just curious.

Dr. "Every Choice is a Life Choice": Ok, your breathing is normal, hearing good. [abruptly] If it's between getting in trouble with mom or"he doesn't look so drunk", which do you choose?
Id A: (...)
Dr. "Every Choice is a Life Choice": (...)
Id A: (...)
Dr. "Every Choice is a Life Choice": Would your mother be mad if you called her at 3 AM?
Id A: (...)
Dr. "Every Choice is a Life Choice": Do YOU want ME to tell HER about a contract?
Id A: Um, no. I don't think so.
Dr. "Every Choice is a Life Choice": Wow, so going into 12th grade! Any idea what school you want to got to? I went to Penn.
Id A: (...)

And then, I coughed. Twice.

I used to say TMI. Is "Don't go there!" still popular?

Introductory element I wish to never hear again:

"In a radio address taped before his colonoscopy today, President Bush said..."

If i wanted to know what was going on inside the president's colon, I would ask John McCain!
(Trombone wah-WAHs)

"... and I would read it every day."

"Welcome to 1998, enjoy the Fubu gear."

Lets talk about things. Anything. People I know (with pseudonyms!), people I don't. Objects, ideas, thoughts. Read, comment, enjoy.

This blog, it's kind of like that...