I Don't Want Children Because I'm Afraid This Conversation Will Exist Again Thirty-Five Years from Now

Id A: hey
Schmelter: howdy
Schmelter: hey
Schmelter: this isnt ***REDACTED***
Id A: ok, its REDACTED's dad, REDACTED
Schmelter: hai
Id A: i just want to know if my son is involved in hardcore drugs because his mother and i found and dimebag of weed in his jeans today
Schmelter: ive known REDACTED for a long time now
Schmelter: and hes a good kid
Schmelter: yes hes doing drugs
Id A: oh god
Id A: what kind?
Id A: is he drinking?
Id A: if you didnt know, alcoholism runs in our family
Schmelter: srsly?
Id A: what does that mean? is that like this "LOL" i keep hearing about? i am a white man
Schmelter: nah
Schmelter: who drinks mad beers in the family?
Id A: well, my brother-in-law and my father was an alcoholic until he passed away two years ago
Schmelter: aw im sorry about your dad, your brother in law cleaned up i hope
Id A: after rehabilitation, twice
Id A: i am a white man\
Id A: pardon the, um, typographical error
Schmelter: well im glad hes clean.
Schmelter: your white?
Schmelter: is your wife black
Id A: yes, yes, i am a white man
Schmelter: b.c REDACTED is more of a mulatto
Id A: i am in business
Id A: REDACTED is adopted
Id A: my wife was infertile
Id A: ok, ok, REDACTED wasnt really adopted
Id A: REDACTED is a "love child"
Id A: i was having sex with my secretary
Id A: i am a white man
Id A: i am in business
Schmelter: ok stop
Schmelter: lol (Ed. note: Epiclullz)
Id A: oh, REDACTED is just now getting back from art
Id A: thank you for this information
Schmelter: np
Id A: why is my away message not up?
Id A: REDACTED, who were you talking to?
Id A: I AM A LOVE CHILD!!?!?!?!
Id A: OMG
Schmelter: yea sorry dude
Schmelter: your parents are whit
Schmelter: and you
Schmelter: RE
Id A: you were talking to my dad, the white businessman, werent you?
Schmelter: hes white
Schmelter: and in buisiness
Schmelter: i did not know that
Schmelter: OMG
Id A: IM HALF BLACK!!?!?!?!?!

Speaking of Parents A, yesterday, while talking about the financial crisis at the big HUGE securities firm Sister A works for, Dad A mentioned this woman Mom A was friends with in high school and how much money she must've lost. Mom A's response, and I quote: "Eh, she was a stuck-up bitch anyhow." So in case you were wondering why I iz the way I iz, you know which two people to go to. Also, this took much longer than I could have ever anticipated.