Strike First, Stike Hard, No Mercy, Sir! Part the First

There are some really intense fourteen year olds out there and I just imagined a bunch of them stating--nay, demanding-- that before I led them into Dodge. I go to a retarded Catholic high school that has A LOT OF MONEY (blind item!) and I, Id A, Class of 2008, am working the Class of 2011 orientation. Which is a week long. Because my school is, in addition to being wealthy and retarded, fucking retarded.*

This whole day was long and hot and exhausting and sad. First, I thought I lost a kid (more specifically a Korean kid, which in my school... what I guess I'm saying is that being Korean, or, rather, just un-white, is kind of like being one of the coloreds in the movie Pleasantville. Everyone kind of avoids you at first because you're different from them and they just not used to having all those goddam coloreds around, but then they just realize that maybe being colored [like in Pleasantville, not like, Rosa Parks] is just a-okay!) But it turned out he didn't even show up, so, point Id A. And point Nyunhoon (Joseph) Na. Like, that's how it was on the attendance sheet. I swear.

Then, all the freshmen hated me because I wasn't as good a coach at volleyball/dodgeball as The Schmelter, but then I realized something. The more you just make fun of people and say "fuck" and "douche" the more some 14 year olds will like you. TRY IT! IT WORKS!

Then, I made a joke about retards that got a laugh and then they finally started talking. (Note to self: Only ten of them are actually named Mike or Con(n)or!) Also, I'm pretty sure God doesn't a lisp. Because if he (sorry, He) did, JeSuS? Really?

Tomorrow, another day, another dispatch.

*Just to give you some reference, my junior-year Christian Humanism teacher, and unfortunate moderator this week said this (direct quote)**: "Ninety-percent of gay relationships fail because of a tragedy like AIDS or breaking up the relationship."

**You might be saying "Id A, how do you know that's a direct quote if junior year was at least two and a half months ago? Huh?" I wrote it down literally as he was saying it and then it just sort of played over in my head, Clockwork Orange-style.